Pre-Carter post...

As I'm sitting here this morning reflecting on everything that has happened in the past 6 months....and thinking about what is about to happen in the next few days, I can't help but express some feelings for journaling purposes.

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Today is Tuesday (3 days before we make our way to California to await the arrival of Carter Aaron Pew). I've been busy making sure Kylee will be taken care of, rides are arranged for her activities, play dates are set, clothes washed, outfits arranged, notes and letters from us written out for her to read every morning.......tears of realizing how much I'm going to miss her while we are gone, and how much I'm going to miss the one-on-one time we have had for the past 6 years. Nothing can compare to the excitement we feel as a family to be bringing Carter into our home and lives for eternity....NOTHING!! But the realization of things changing around here is starting to show. Kylee is extremely clingy to me and doesn't want me to leave her room after we say our nightly prayers. She seems to only want me lately for everything. She has said that she doesn't want to go to school and just wants to stay home and have a Mommy-daughter day. She hears me say...."Kylee, you can do 'this or that' by yourself....you don't need me to do it for you. You are a big girl. Once Carter comes, I won't be able to help you with these little things all the time". (Given these "little things" are small tasks such as hanging up her towel after her shower, helping her clean her room, organizing her book shelf, etc). These are things she needs to do herself anyway. She has been spoiled her whole life because Mommy has been able to be there for every little tiny detail in her life. But despite her moments of sadness, she is the most excited little girl to be a big sister soon. She wants to help with every little thing, and she will be the best helper I could ever ask for. She is going to love Carter more than she can imagine.

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My heart is already open and has loved Carter from day one. I never imagined what sharing my heart and love with two children could possibly be like. But I now understand that it is possible and very real. Kylee will always be my baby and I am so thankful for the 6 years I have had to give her 100% of all I have. I will continue to give her all that I have, but now I'm going to be giving all I have to sweet Carter boy too.....so even though the love will be the same, things are going to be changing.

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As I think about what it's going to be like in California and all that is going to be taking place, I can't help but be extremely overwhelmed with the spirit, with gladness, with pure joy.....but yet with such a heavy heart for our sweet birth mother. I love her more than words can express. She has changed my life in more ways than one. To me, she is the most amazing woman in the world! She knows what she is doing is the right thing to do for both her and for Carter. It will make both their lives better in the end. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. She loves Carter more than words can say. I'm so thankful his birth mother and I have such a unique and strong bond so that I can always have amazing and wonderful stories and examples to share with him as he grows up. He will know that he was loved from the second he was created and that he has more people that love him than most people do here on this earth. He is such a lucky little man! I love that he will never have to question where he came from. He will always know that his birth Mom is the most amazing woman who loves him more than anything.

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I never expected our adoption journey to end this way. If I could have planned and written it out the way I wanted it to be, I never could have dreamed of something this wonderful and absolutely perfect. Saying that I feel lucky and blessed, doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. And I know those feelings are going to be magnified 1,000% once I hold Carter in my arms. Oh he is going to be so absolutely perfect in every way!

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With so many emotions running through me, I don't feel like I'm making sense as I write it all out. But with each passing hour that brings us closer to our baby boy, I can't help but get these feelings out of me and on "paper". It helps me relax a little and to just breathe and take one moment at a time. I know that what David and I are about to experience is going to be the most spiritual experience of our lives. I know that all things are possible through our Savior Jesus Christ and I know that He will strengthen our birth mother through this process and that He will help us through this transition as well. I love my little family!

So happy!

I woke up this morning with so much gratitude. Maybe it was because of the amazing messages I heard at conference this weekend. All I know is that I have an amazing life filled with more blessings that I can count. I don't feel deserving of most of them. Somehow I was lucky enough to be born into the church and raised in an amazing family with siblings that I consider to be my best friends. I have supportive, loving parents who have solid testimonies of the gospel. I have an amazing group of friends who kept me grounded and "on the straight and narrow path" during my crazy teenage years.....and who are still my closest friends! I have made new friends throughout my life who have made an impact on my life in more ways than one whom I love dearly. I was blessed with many talents that I'm so thankful for and am happy to share those talents with others. I have coached the most amazing girls throughout the past 10 years and find great joy watching those girls excel. I have been blessed with the most amazing callings, especially with the youth and I find even greater joy watching those young women and sweet primary children grow and develop in the gospel....and in life! All these blessings and more have made me who I am today and I wouldn't change a thing. But the most amazing blessing in my life is my sweet little family, who is still in the process of growing.

I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing man. I could never say enough about him and how good he is to me. He is the best father I could ask for and he works so hard to support our family....physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for him. I also thank my Father in Heaven for the family that came with David. I LOVE my Mother-in-law more than I could say. And all of his family has blessed our lives in so many ways and I love every single one of them!

How we got blessed with the most perfect daughter is beyond me! She was sent to us to be our angel and to teach us, guide us, and keep us focused on what life is all about. She makes us smile everyday and she gives us hope for our future. I don't know what I did to deserve her. She is so beautiful inside and out and impresses me daily with the things she is learning and can do.

I was blessed......YES BLESSED......with the trial of infertility after Kylee was born. This was always my biggest fear growing up when I was young because all I ever wanted to be was a mother. After we got pregnant with Kylee right away, I thought my fear was just that.....fear! But little did I know that it was going to be my reality. I didn't embrace it or want to accept it. I always had hope that something would work. I had many MANY ups and downs with it. But thankfully I was blessed with unshakable faith. Another amazing blessing that Heavenly Father somehow saw that I was deserving of. This faith has literally carried me through this trial. And just when I was about to give up, I was yet AGAIN blessed beyond my belief.

How I got so lucky to be getting this amazing TRUE angel will always be beyond me. Adoption was always something I talked about when I was young too. I would say...."as soon as I'm done having kids, I want to adopt a baby....just because". Little did I know that this would be my reality as well....but not JUST BECAUSE. This is the amazing way that Heavenly Father intended for me and David to expand our family. I embraced and accepted it, relying heavily on that faith I was blessed with. It was hard....it was extremely emotional. But somehow through it all, I was yet again blessed beyond belief with the most amazing birth mother who was going to be giving us her precious angel. Again....I can't stop thinking to myself "how did I get so lucky"? And by "lucky", I mean blessed.

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This is why my heart is full of gratitude this morning. I woke up thinking about my life and how I got to where I am today. And because of everything I just said, I will forever be eternally grateful to my Father in Heaven because I know that none of this could have been possible without Him.

The thing that I'm most grateful for.........to have the knowledge that I am a daughter of my Father in Heaven and he loves me and wants me to be happy. With this knowledge, anything is possible!