Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Pre-Carter post...

As I'm sitting here this morning reflecting on everything that has happened in the past 6 months....and thinking about what is about to happen in the next few days, I can't help but express some feelings for journaling purposes.
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Today is Tuesday (3 days before we make our way to California to await the arrival of Carter Aaron Pew). I've been busy making sure Kylee will be taken care of, rides are arranged for her activities, play dates are set, clothes washed, outfits arranged, notes and letters from us written out for her to read every morning.......tears of realizing how much I'm going to miss her while we are gone, and how much I'm going to miss the one-on-one time we have had for the past 6 years. Nothing can compare to the excitement we feel as a family to be bringing Carter into our home and lives for eternity....NOTHING!! But the realization of things changing around here is starting to show. Kylee is extremely clingy to me and doesn't want me to leave her room after we say our nightly prayers. She seems to only want me lately for everything. She has said that she doesn't want to go to school and just wants to stay home and have a Mommy-daughter day. She hears me say...."Kylee, you can do 'this or that' by yourself....you don't need me to do it for you. You are a big girl. Once Carter comes, I won't be able to help you with these little things all the time". (Given these "little things" are small tasks such as hanging up her towel after her shower, helping her clean her room, organizing her book shelf, etc). These are things she needs to do herself anyway. She has been spoiled her whole life because Mommy has been able to be there for every little tiny detail in her life. But despite her moments of sadness, she is the most excited little girl to be a big sister soon. She wants to help with every little thing, and she will be the best helper I could ever ask for. She is going to love Carter more than she can imagine.
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My heart is already open and has loved Carter from day one. I never imagined what sharing my heart and love with two children could possibly be like. But I now understand that it is possible and very real. Kylee will always be my baby and I am so thankful for the 6 years I have had to give her 100% of all I have. I will continue to give her all that I have, but now I'm going to be giving all I have to sweet Carter boy too.....so even though the love will be the same, things are going to be changing.
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As I think about what it's going to be like in California and all that is going to be taking place, I can't help but be extremely overwhelmed with the spirit, with gladness, with pure joy.....but yet with such a heavy heart for our sweet birth mother. I love her more than words can express. She has changed my life in more ways than one. To me, she is the most amazing woman in the world! She knows what she is doing is the right thing to do for both her and for Carter. It will make both their lives better in the end. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. She loves Carter more than words can say. I'm so thankful his birth mother and I have such a unique and strong bond so that I can always have amazing and wonderful stories and examples to share with him as he grows up. He will know that he was loved from the second he was created and that he has more people that love him than most people do here on this earth. He is such a lucky little man! I love that he will never have to question where he came from. He will always know that his birth Mom is the most amazing woman who loves him more than anything.
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I never expected our adoption journey to end this way. If I could have planned and written it out the way I wanted it to be, I never could have dreamed of something this wonderful and absolutely perfect. Saying that I feel lucky and blessed, doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. And I know those feelings are going to be magnified 1,000% once I hold Carter in my arms. Oh he is going to be so absolutely perfect in every way!
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With so many emotions running through me, I don't feel like I'm making sense as I write it all out. But with each passing hour that brings us closer to our baby boy, I can't help but get these feelings out of me and on "paper". It helps me relax a little and to just breathe and take one moment at a time. I know that what David and I are about to experience is going to be the most spiritual experience of our lives. I know that all things are possible through our Savior Jesus Christ and I know that He will strengthen our birth mother through this process and that He will help us through this transition as well. I love my little family!

2 comments:

Emily Buck said...

Oh Stef!! I am beyond excited for you. I sit here in tears of joy for your sweet family! Post as soon as you can about the arrival of your sweet Carter boy. I'm no longer on facebook so I can't see it on there! Can't wait for you! Praying ALWAYS! Love you!!

*Katie May* said...

Sooo excited for you all!! Safe travels! Can't wait to see pictures of the sweet boy!